What exactly is mentoring?
In ancient Greece and Rome, a mentor was charged with helping a young man develop character, self-control, courage, a sense of justice and morality. In indigenous societies mature men were initiated into the role of elder, taking responsibility for passing on culture, law and masculine roles to younger men. Mentoring today, however, if it happens at all, seems focused purely on career development for the lucky few.
“We tell privileged young men to prioritise career and success over everything when their deepest desire is to be used for a higher purpose.”
What a missed opportunity: privileged young men get the message their careers and success are top priority when for many their deepest desire is to be used for a higher purpose. Good mentoring is about developing the whole man. It includes career advice, but so much more. So what is it?
First, a mentor offers lessons from his failures. Last year, I heard an inspiring talk by a ‘warrior monk’ who joined the Jesuits to train as a priest, then left to join the Australian SAS, fought in Vietnam, became a senior career officer and later as a civilian was a mentor to a number of CEOs.
“These leaders have the loneliest job on the planet,” he said. “There’s no one they can talk to. So I tell them all the mistakes I’ve ever made and help them not to make the same ones.”
Second, mentors build trust and confidence which when I asked a group of men for examples can look a lot of different ways:
“It’s using your two ears and one mouth in the right proportion.”
“No judgement. Even if I’m judging them in my head, I say nothing.”
“It’s informal, just having a coffee.” “It’s caring and believing in a man.” “Being a friend.”
“Active listening.”
“It’s like a lieutenant giving instructions.”
“It’s gentle guidance.”
Third, mentoring sometimes requires telling someone a hard truth (with generosity) to give them the opportunity to self-correct and improve. A man told me a wonderful story of mentoring a talented young comedian.
“He was too energetic and in your face, so the audience just backed away. We worked on how to use this energy to his advantage. The guy is now a real star in the UK.”
Fourth, there are times a mentor must walk alongside a man as he faces pain and suffering. Just being there is all we can do. I’ve often mentored men struggling with defeat, grief and loss. One man was running a company and at the same time caring for a dying parent. I had no easy platitudes to make his journey easier. I couldn’t take any of his pain away, only ‘mourn with those who mourn’. One wise man said to me,
“When I saw the vulnerability in my mentor’s eyes, I could then be vulnerable.”
Mentoring involves more than career advice; he’s giving his authentic self.